The difficult
Often anxiety
and depression remind me I do not come close to “having it all together” and let me tell y’all I have definitely not had anything together this month. November has been difficult for me. Aniexty and depression tormented me. One week in particular felt like an entire month. That week was the hardest week I have had all year. It went something like this.... Monday our oldest friend had craniofacial surgery requiring a two-week recovery period. He came
home on Tuesday and both boys had visitation with their family. On Wednesday,
all three of the nuggets were home with me for the holiday. Thursday, our littlest-one had an upset tummy so home he came. Friday our youngest pup had surgery. I also found out my grandma was in the hospital but was stable. Early Saturday morning I got the
call that she went home to be with
Jesus. Her death was unexpected. I was not ready for that call. I do not remember
what we had for dinner, if I even cooked. I was
needy, emotional, and irritable toward my superhero husband. I took time off from work, falling more behind. I cannot tell you
if I helped with homework or potty training. That week is a blur of anxiety, depression,
and survival. There are times when life feels too difficult for us to handle
and yet, we stand, we live to tell about it. I cried often, ate too much chocolate, wallowed in the mountain of mom guilt (and employee guilt)
and drank lots of coffee. Yet, here I am, celebrating what I am thankful for with
kiddos, I have known a month, that call me mama. What joy and privilege to love
others inspite of the difficult. Who better to dive into the trenches with the broken
and hurting than those with scars telling their stories of pain and survival?
When I was
having a really hard time with my depression. I searched the Bible for the word difficult because I know God never called us to easy and that was the reality I
wanted to sink into. Often, we choose to lean into the happy truths the ones
that bring hope and joy but there are also heavy truths. We must hold onto
those too because God is there in the messy and mundane as well. We need
those truths when we are in the trenches. We need those reminders that some things are painful but He is there. Christ carried that cross anyway, he loved anyway, when he was stoned, when he was beaten, when he was hung his words were "forgive them for they know not what they do?" He chose death so that you and I could survive.
The worst
week of the year is behind me. Little faces are looking up at me, work emails are growing
and there’s a home in need of cleaning that awaits me. This foster parent life can be difficult,
but love does hard things. Fostering is growing things inside of me I did not know
I had. It is pushing me out of comfort zones and challenging my attitude, effort,
and energy.
I want
our boys to see that with a broken hurting heart, love does anyway. We are
not backing down from the difficult and the painful. You see, we are called to
be good and faithful servants, not fearful servants, not comfortable servants
or just good and faithful with no service. When I get to
heaven I want to hear "well done my good and faithful
servant.” We can move forward, through the hard and the painful because we
know He did and we know the victory awaits.
When it
is hard to love, love harder. When difficulty comes, cry and embrace it because
you are not alone in it. Shift your attitude, effort, and energy to press
through the painful. We all experience it. We are all broken, hurting people. Run
your race, fulfill your purpose, and love anyway, always, in all ways. When it gets difficult, remember He said it would be, and the path you are on is dusted
with many other footprints and tears. When you look down, see survivors’ steps.
When you look up, see the death conqueror cheering you
on. I am cheering you on too.
Xoxo, V
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